Lebron: The Chef

This summer has become an insipid rumor mill surrounding where NBA players will take their talents. Will they or won’t they? A reporter had a reliable source who ended up being as dependable as an inflatable pool.

My relationship with sports has become like a faltering marriage. With athletes saying they don’t make enough and taking their talents to different beaches, I became less interested in sports. Instead I shifted the time I used to spend reading the Sports page and watching ESPN to reading recipes and ogling a chef’s technique.

I had a few issues after reading Lebron’s letter. These stem from a short stint as Sports editor for my high school paper and a raging insecurity complex where spotting grammar errors elevates my sense of worth.

Were the repeated words and phrases like “no question” used as dangling clauses necessary? I’m sure four years in Miami were just like college. College without a composition class.

But Lebron said he has grown. After four years he is now a sage. He knows how to build a premier team. He can get more out of players. He knows all these things at the age of 29. For perspective, Lebron has five months on me. And two championship rings. And millions and millions of dollars. He probably also has a much easier time trying to find a home.

As I sat wondering what to have for lunch today, I wondered what would Lebron do? He’s decisive. Then it occurred to me. He’d make homemade mayonnaise.

The beauty of mayonnaise, like Lebron, is that if you screw up, all is not lost. Like the prodigal son, the emulsion can be saved. Hallelujah!

Mayo is incredibly simple to make. It’s a simple emulsion. You combine acid, seasoning and an egg yolk, then furiously whisk and slowly drizzle in oil. If I watched ESPN more I’m sure I could make references to which ingredient corresponds to players on the Cavs.

I used this ratio from Michael Ruhlman’s Ratio for my first attempt.


1 large egg yolk, preferably organic or farm-raised
1/2 teaspoons salt
1 teaspoon water
2 teaspoons fresh lemon juice, to taste
1 cup vegetable oil

Possibly unlike Lebron, I nailed it on my first attempt. A swish. I slathered it on toasted French bread and made myself a sandwich with arugula.

In the end, Lebron is just trying to patiently make some mayonnaise in Cleveland.

“We’re not ready right now. No way. Of course, I want to win next year, but I’m realistic. It will be a long process.”

Lebron, if you need a demo on how to make mayo, I can take the Megabus to Cleveland.

No question.



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